June 2, 2017 - I wrote this three years ago & reflect on it often
Last month my husband and I were watching television and we heard our eldest daughter on the phone in the next room discussing tattoos with her sister, who was still at college. It’s not that we are vehemently opposed to tattoos. But as a parent, after carrying my daughters nine months and meeting two beautiful, healthy, babies after each delivery, the idea of inked pictures on their perfect little bodies was the furthest thought from my mind.
Emily is now home for summer break and sat down with me recently to let me know she was planning to get a tattoo and had found a place with a good reputation to have it done. Since she intends to go into education, she took my protests meant to dissuade her, and found a solution by choosing a small tattoo on her ankle that could be easily covered. Though I still wasn’t thrilled with the idea of some cutesy picture she could regret later in life, she is and adult and had clearly put quite a bit of thought into her decision.
Tonight, my husband, Emily, and I had dinner with one of her former music teachers. Toward the end of the evening, we were all standing and talking, and I looked down and caught just a glimpse of a tattoo on her right ankle. I chose not to say anything.
After we got home, I went up to Emily’s room and asked her to show me the tattoo. As I studied her ankle, I had absolutely no idea what the small, permanently inked picture was. A little embarrassed, I finally asked her what the image depicted, and her answer took my breath away. It is a picture of a dopamine molecule. When she told me that, all I could do was cry.
Dopamine is a chemical in everyone’s brain that controls muscle movement, helps with your mood and sleep, as well as a whole host of other things. It is one of those great neurotransmitters that are released when you eat something like chocolate. Normal levels of dopamine in the brain keep the muscles of the body relaxed and enable them to move smoothly and in unison.
Now comes the relevance of Emily’s tattoo. I have Parkinson’s disease and with this illness, specific nerve cells in my brain, called neurons, quit working. These neurons actually produce the dopamine, so as they die off, there is less dopamine circulating and available. As a result, symptoms develop such as tremors, slow movements, and stiff muscles, which worsen with as the disease progresses. In addition, there is no cure for Parkinson's currently. In order to manage my disease, I take a medication every three hours, which my body then converts into the precious dopamine my brain is lacking. This medication allows me to function relatively well, and for this, I am tremendously thankful.
I developed signs of Parkinson’s when Emily was 11 months old. She has only ever known me with Parkinson’s, and she has watched my illness progress over the past 19 years.
She told me she got the tattoo to honor me. She put up with a needle repeatedly sticking her, to ink on a permanent reminder of me and my daily battles. This overwhelming display of love still makes me cry.
The story of this tattoo reminds me of how I should and can be a better person. Tattoos are a form of self-expression and I know I would never express myself in such a way. But, I judged my daughter on a decision she made, without having all the information. How very wrong I was. I thought I would know better because I am always self-conscience about how people view me since I have Parkinson’s. I now plan to use her tattoo as a daily reminder to change how I view the world, with the hope that I never make such a tremendous error in judgement as this again.
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